Sex

Women, Swinging, Sex, and Seduction

Is swinging a male-driven endeavor?

One of the questions I’m asked most often is if swinging is a male-driven and dominated endeavor, where husbands coerce their wives into this "degrading" situation. The assumption is often based on the premise that any "decent and self-respecting" woman would not agree to being "objectified" in such a way.

I hear this often from people who know of my research with the swinging population, which they consider deviant and shady. A colleague once commented that "swinging" wives are to be pitied since they have to "endure" these unrealistic demands from overbearing and oversexed husbands, and they should be viewed as victims of this male-dominated lifestyle.

According to my research findings, all of the above comments couldn’t be further from the truth. Moreover, do the spouse possess a option in the issue, or did she move together to please her hubby simply? I have compiled hundreds and hundreds of hours of interviews with couples in the swinging lifestyle, and one of my first questions is, how did the couple get involved in the swinging lifestyle, and how is the wife handling it?

It seems that, indeed, the husbands most often suggest swinging (my research shows that 72 percent of the time the husband introduced swinging to the wife). However, involved once, things seem to change.

So what happens when a couple starts swinging? Do the women enjoy their consensual non-monogamous activities, or do their husbands coerce them?

To answer this question, I referred back to the hundreds of interviews I’ve conducted over the last 15 years with couples in the Swinging Lifestyle, as well as private interviews with the women involved. I put together a collage of some of the more relevant commentary from those interviews.

The following comments by the women reflect the opinion expressed by most of the women I interviewed: "The first time can be a little terrifying for the woman. Feel I attractive sufficiently for anyone else to wish me? " Most women don’t know what to expect and they often ask themselves: Am I pretty enough?

Others commented on their expectations in the swinging context: "What kind of clothes should I wear? I don’testosterone levels would like to embarrass myself by searching as well slutty or as well matronly."

Some addressed the concerns associated with jealousy and competition: "What if my husband finds other women more attractive than me? " I don’t want to be alone sitting at a table while he makes out with someone else on the dance floor. Will I be jealous? Will he be jealous if I’m with other men?

However, it doesn’t take long for most women to realize that how you look is probably only part of the process, and that, in the final end, how they look physically isn’t that important at all: "Confidence is the most important feature of being sexy," said another one.

Some women posited: "Being overweight doesn’t make you less sexy or less appealing. It’s how you think of yourself that is important."

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After the very first "swinging" experience, many women have stated that their husband looked at them with " fresh eyes" and showed a higher level of sexual desire for them, that often rekindles the sexual spark and allows them to feel confident once again.

For women, feeling desired is a great confidence builder, and nearly all females reported savoring getting desired and seduced. Considering that the great majority of women look at swinging as an opportunity for c3tservices.ca sexual variety, becoming lured is definitely component and package of the general encounter.

Ironically what started as a nerve-wracking challenge for many women becomes an emboldening opportunity to explore aspects of themselves that society has otherwise tried to control.

Countless women have expressed joy at finally being able to wear the sexy clothes they wouldn’t dare put on anywhere else in public. "Even husbands get involved in preparing their wives before going to a swinging event. Who cares if nipples are showing or camel toe is visible? They talk about a boost in self-confidence, how they sense wish when males approvingly appearance in them. It’t all component of the enjoyment," said one of my interviewees.

Now, to suggest that everyone is accepted at the same level in the swinging communities would be disingenuous. Societal perceptions that apply to everyday life still exist and exert an influence on the perception of beauty and body image.

In many swinging clubs, cliques form based on how one looks. Yes, there are usually nevertheless those that choose the "wonderful" individuals.

Lately, age variations have got furthermore made a separation, as it were. At times, the preference for woman-to-woman have fun with excludes not only males but those ladies who possess no bi interests also. Moreover, swinging hsimply because a special attraction to women who want to experiment with bi-sexuality. However - and this may seem strange - younger men are often interested in pursuing older women, simply as old males may method more youthful ladies. Younger swingers tend to associated with each other, while older swingers form their own social groups.

It has often been said in the swinging community that women control what happens in swinging. Research validates that suggestion. After the initial nervousness wears off, it is the women who have the final say on who "parties with whom" and how (couples only, girl-on-girl, threesomes, group sex, including the enforcement of safe sex rules).

If the woman isn’t interested in an individual or a couple, a polite excuse is given. The man, most often, abides by the decwill beions of his female companion. Women in swinging score very high on the self-determination scale, meaning, they are in absolute control of their decisions and are unlikely to be easily swayed by others. For the most part, women are in control, according to data.

Rules: Every couple starts with rules that are generally designed to deal with each individual’s insecurities. Over time, guidelines become zero relevant or even still obsolete more. However, as the comfort level of the couple increases, the rules seem to decrease as well.

The following are some of the rules:

- We must be in the same room. - No "taking one for the team"; no sex with single men. - No kissing allowed.
- No anal sex.
- Zero sexual have fun with with others without partner permission or understanding. - No sexual play unless we’re both involved. - No social contact with sex partners outside of the swinging situation.

Generally, rules are modified after the couple's comfort and trust levels increase.

One of the most surprising, and apparently, benefits of swinging for women is trust. One study subject puts the rationale for trust in perspective: "Why would your husband go elsewhere for sex, if he can possess gain access to to additional females in a stimulating atmosphere with his spouse’beds involvement and permission? " And why would a woman look for a sexual tryst elsewhere when she can get everything she wants sexually from moving with the consent and approval of her husband?

However, I have found instances of "infidelity" among swingers, although these seem to be the exception.

Overall, swinging gives women confidence, freedom, and trust. Swinging provides women with a context in which they are free to be their own person, to be sensual, sexual, lustful, provocative, and explore same-sex interactions without fear of societal repercussions, criticisms, or stigmatization. It doesn’t matter if you have a slim, fit body, or if you qualify as big, beautiful woman; the sensual is valued higher over the "perfect."

Women exert most of the control over the greater part of the swinging lifestyle, and aren’t afraid to express their sexual desires. The book explores the concept of cuckoldry (still considered one of the different manifestations of the swinging lifestyle). David Ley, Ph.D., has written an interesting book on women’s desires titled Insatiable Wives: Ladies Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them.

Finally, there are many couples for whom swinging does not work. People whose marriages were in trouble and tried swinging as a remedy soon found their marriages in shambles and moving towards a quick end. Swinging isn’t a panacea for marriages in trouble. Dogging just improves those interactions that are usually joyful plus solid. Swinging does not "repair" marriages; on the contrary, swinging tends to expose most of the negative dynamics that undermine the relationship.

References

Fernandes, E. (2013). A Paradigm Shift: Swinging and the new consensual non-monogamous morality of Couples. Paper presented at the 6th annual alternative sexualities conference (caras), San Francisco, September 2013.

Fernandes, E. (2012). Understanding Swingers and the Swinging Lifestyle. Workshop presented at the assect 44th annual conference, Austin, Texas, June 2012.

Fernandes, E. (2012) .The Swinging Paradigm: Socio/Sexual Paradigm Shift. Paper presented at the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, Charlotte, NC, June 2012.

Fernandes, E. (2011). The Swinging Paradigm: The Shift in the Modern Concepts of Monogamy and Marital Fidelity. Paper presented at the Canadian Sex Research Forum Annual Meeting Vancouver, British Columbia, September 2011.

Fernandes, E. (2008). The Swinging Paradigm: An Yvaluation of the Marital and Sexual Satisfaction of Swingers. The Electronic Journal of Human Intimateity. Vol. 12, 2009.

Edward Fernandes, Ph.D., is an asswill betant professor of psychology at Barton College.